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Saturday, April 2, 2011


Driving home tonight I was amazed at how synchronized the music playing on the radio was with the road and the driving conditions. Then I realized how few beans I ate in comparison to how full I felt. I allowed myself to daydream about those years so long ago. I thought about how people would remember my first boyfriend, a surfer named Clyde (really). I wondered what would be different about my memories of him compared to how others might remember him. He was so fun and so funny. Everyone loved him, not just me.

He was tall and lanky and blond and blue eyed. He was almost a caricature of an American surfer. He had big feet and knobby knees. He had long arms. He had a smile so big it was almost too big for his face. He was the kind of boy that had a twinkle in his eye and everybody liked him; loved him really. I already said that. Sometimes I can picture him so clearly I can practically feel him. Other times my memory fades and I wish I could get a closer look.

But a closer look is really what this is all about. That is really what defines lovers. That is what intimacy is all about. It's about wanting to see someone really close up and wanting them to see you close up too. Everyone knew that Clyde had pretty blue eyes with a sly twinkle. But I was lucky enough to see those twinkly eyes really close up. I can tell you that up close those eyes were magnificent. They contained a kaleidoscopic view of every shade of blue you have ever seen or imagined. If you looked even closer you could see that they have flicks of gold that reflected beams of light right back at you. The colors in those eyes were layered and blended and seemed to change while you were looking at them as they captured the light from whatever source was available. And if you fall into those eyes and allow yourself to block out everything else in the entire world (which I am pleased to now say I did allow myself to do) you will see a million zillion stars deep in those bright and twinkling eyes. When you've seen that, then everything makes sense. Even if only for a moment. It is a moment of such clarity it feels timeless.  

I think that even if I never feel that way again, I'm damn lucky to have had that experience. I really don't feel like I've lost a thing. That moment in time will be with me forever. I don't doubt there are some who never have a moment like that. I had several of those moments; years of moments in fact.


  1. I remember Clyde very well and your was a magical sort of time and place, as were the two of you.......

  2. I feel lucky to have been in that time and place. but the best is yet to come.